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Tuesday, April 25, 2006

A Case of Cultural Amnesia, pt. II

What do you do to make people, or maybe just golly-gee Minnesotans, forget your club is scary and dangerous? Change your name of course! Trust us, no one will notice.
It worked for Memory Lanes, formally Stardust where there was like a shooting per week. And now, poof! it's a perfectly safe punk-rock hangout for white people. All is safe and good.
More recently, the Quest, which closed after a shooting outside the club after a Lil Flip show, is calling itself Heaven and Earth.
ummmm....are you kidding us? That is sooo gross. What, are you trying to compete with Club 3 Degrees now or something? Look Quest, Christian rock is just a fad. But crappy emo bands and violence-inducing rap is 4EVA!

But for you, our "new" friendly, safe downtown club, we've compiled our favorite "Heaven and Earth" songs. Enjoy!

Kylie Minogue:
You don't have to move heaven and earth
You don't have to change overnight
There's never been a better time
To make up your mind
And put this thing right

Matthew Sweet:
When it shines the sun is hot
And what you need you ain't got
Heaven and
Are hardly worth it

i can love you like that
i would make you my world
move heaven and earth if you were my girl

Salt N Pepa:
Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs and looney tunes
And some got sad songs, mad songs, and moody blues
The good news is god’s news, with him you can’t lose
Hell is here on earth, the heaven you can choose
There’s a choice, you got one, son, know where I’m comin’ from?
Choose one, you better choose one
Heaven and hell is on earth
Heaven and hell is on earth

Belinda Carlisle:
Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth ?
Ooh heaven is a place on earth
They say in heaven love comes first
We'll make heaven a place on earth
Ooh heaven is a place on earth

Oh if you walk away
You take the life from me
Oh if you walk away
You take the air I breath
Life would be lonely
More then you'll ever know
You've put all Heaven on Earth

The Platters:
Heaven on earth
that's what you've made
for me since the day we met
Heaven on earth
it's all been so thrilling
I never can forget, uh-oh

Heaven on earth
alone with an angel
is living in dreams come true
Heaven on earth
I know that it happens only when I'm with you

Paradise seemed so far
Like a star, it twinkled high above me
Now I'm wise paradise
isn't far at all when you're around to love me
love me

Oh, heaven on earth
no need in waiting
waiting until I die
Heaven on earth
that's what you've made
a heaven for you and I

ya know, now that we think about it, we totally LOVE that Belinda Carlisle song. God damn that's great pop! Ok, we fold, as long as you guys play Belinda's jam at the start of EVERY show, we dig the new name.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Mac Daddy Kofi

Macalester alum Kofi Annan returned to St. Paul today. Here are five things overheard by Kofi around the Mac campus:

1. “What the fuck?!?! I want a damn bottle of Coke!”
2. “And I was worried you kids had smoked all the pot two days ago…I almost forgot, this Macale-fucking-ster! Glad to see the motto is still study hard, party harder.”
3. “Wow. WMCN sucks balls. Noise rock is for losers and human rights violators.”
4. “Is it possible that St. Paul has gotten suckier?”
5. “Look, I’m the UN Secretary General, gimme a mother fucking Coca-Cola.”

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

MN Slang Update

The Vikings' "boat party" is from now on to be known as "floating orgy." Use appropriately. Use often.

Q: Can CJ suck her own balls A: YES!

Some pretty classic CJisms in the latest Dish as CJ reached into her mail bag:
She did include some angry emails – one dude wrote, “You’re such a classless putz” (haha, putz!) – but of course the fearless CJ cannot be phased, bitch stays chill as hell. Always getting the last laugh, CJ said to her detractors: “The bottom line: I wrote it. You read it. You took the time to complain. My work is done.” OHHH, hella snap! CJ sure told your dumb, givin’-the-bitch-more-internet-hits, ass. Listen bitches, don’t mess with the MN gossip QUEEN. She’ll fuck you up.

The saddest part of the column though was when CJ tried to make herself feel better. Proving not EVERYONE hates her, CJ got some schmuck named Reginald Reed, who is “an Atlanta computer network guy,” to give her props. Reed had this to say: “The wit, humor and style of writing impressed me very much.”
Hmmmm. Here are some questions we have:
1. CJ, who is this guy from Atlanta, why does he care about someone who writes about MINNESOTA gossip, where did you find him and how much money/sexual favors did you give to him?
2. Can you really not find anyone in the Twin Cities who will defend your honor?
3. What’s your favorite color?
4. Seriously, not even anyone from Wisconsin can say some good things? Fucking Atlanta?!?! WHAT IS HAPPENING? THIS MAKES NO SENSE!

Thursday, April 06, 2006

old people not only smell funny, they look funny

Ah there's nothing sweeter than the sounds of capitalizing on failure.

The ones who love us best are the ones we'll lay to rest
And visit their graves on holidays at best
The ones who love us least are the ones we'll die to please
If it's any consolation, I don't begin to understand them

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

MN quote of the day

"It's one thing to say you're not a proper role model because you're a vampire or a witch, and another thing to say it's really based upon a religious belief." - Stephen Befort, University of Minnesota Law School professor - from

Who wouldn't want their kids to be driven to school by a VAMPIRE?!?!
Poor Julie Carpenter, the former "companion" of the now jailed vampire governor is always being hated on. Can't a witch get a break? Jesus Christ! She has filed a complaint against the Princeton School District claiming she was fired from her job as a bus driver because of her pagan beliefs...and uh, for sucking blood and casting unruly children into frogs.
Come on Minnesota, first we discriminate against the gays now the pagans? Don't hate out of fear. Moouuhahahaha, mouuuhahahah.

We will never watch KARE 11 again!

MN Trash Whore hates KARE 11 news - fuck you Diana! - but we will admit to occasionally tuning in on the weekends just to get a good look at super-hottie Amy Hockert. Fo real, this girl is the hottest thing on local broadcast since Robyne circa-96 with the short-n-sexy look.
Just as we were rejoicing the news that gay marriage didn't get banned in the MN and started dreaming of our wedding with A-Hock, we find out from CJ our soul mate has been snatched and is engaged. Boooo!
Even worse, A-Hock hints at a possible move since hubby-to-be lives elsewhere. Boooo again!
Guess we'll have to go back to jacking off to Amelia. Booooo!

Brokeback Minnesota

The Senate committee just rejected a proposal to constitutionally ban same-sex J-Heart, will come back home now? We know the Scar-Jo thing is all a front.

Viva the gays!

Friday, March 31, 2006

PHC countdown, part I

The PiPress reports that there will be a private screening of "A Prairie Home Companion" on May 3 at the Fitzgerald Theater...yeah not that a big a deal right? BUT WAIT! The rest of the cast is expected to attend, which means - breathe into the paper bag CJ - that LiLo will return! Yeah!
We missed ya girl, Minneaps has not been the same since your drunken, underage self left. Think of all the fun we can have together LiLo...we'll eat at everyone's favorite racist restaurant Chino Latino, go dancing at BARF, oops, Bar Fly and exchange fictional stories of idyllic small-town life with Garrison until the sun comes up. sigh. We can't wait!

Thursday, March 30, 2006

what stinks?

What does MN Trash Whore think about the Replacements getting back together and recording 2 new songs?
zzzzz, wha, oh sorry we fell asleep because we were SO BORED. Wake us up when Semisonic reunite...oh wait, don't.

We just hope the new Mats songs sound like the new GNR that would be hott.

Here are the MN artists we'd REALLY like to see a reunion from...
MC Skat Kat (with Paula Abdul of course)
Andrew Sisters
Information Society
94 East
The Cows
Fighting Tongs