MN TRASH WHORE

A Case of Cultural Amnesia, pt. II

2006-04-25T20:36:00.000-07:00

What do you do to make people, or maybe just golly-gee Minnesotans, forget your club is scary and dangerous? Change your name of course! Trust us, no one will notice.
It worked for Memory Lanes, formally Stardust where there was like a shooting per week. And now, poof! it's a perfectly safe punk-rock hangout for white people. All is safe and good.
More recently, the Quest, which closed after a shooting outside the club after a Lil Flip show, is calling itself Heaven and Earth.
ummmm....are you kidding us? That is sooo gross. What, are you trying to compete with Club 3 Degrees now or something? Look Quest, Christian rock is just a fad. But crappy emo bands and violence-inducing rap is 4EVA!

But for you, our "new" friendly, safe downtown club, we've compiled our favorite "Heaven and Earth" songs. Enjoy!

Kylie Minogue:
You don't have to move heaven and earth
You don't have to change overnight
There's never been a better time
To make up your mind
And put this thing right

Matthew Sweet:
When it shines the sun is hot
And what you need you ain't got
Heaven and
earth
Are hardly worth it

All-4-One:
i can love you like that
i would make you my world
move heaven and earth if you were my girl

Salt N Pepa:
Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs and looney tunes
And some got sad songs, mad songs, and moody blues
The good news is god’s news, with him you can’t lose
Hell is here on earth, the heaven you can choose
There’s a choice, you got one, son, know where I’m comin’ from?
Choose one, you better choose one
Heaven and hell is on earth
Heaven and hell is on earth

Belinda Carlisle:
Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth ?
Ooh heaven is a place on earth
They say in heaven love comes first
We'll make heaven a place on earth
Ooh heaven is a place on earth

Asia:
Oh if you walk away
You take the life from me
Oh if you walk away
You take the air I breath
Life would be lonely
More then you'll ever know
You've put all Heaven on Earth

The Platters:
Heaven on earth
that's what you've made
for me since the day we met
Heaven on earth
it's all been so thrilling
I never can forget, uh-oh

Heaven on earth
alone with an angel
is living in dreams come true
Heaven on earth
I know that it happens only when I'm with you

Paradise seemed so far
Like a star, it twinkled high above me
Now I'm wise paradise
isn't far at all when you're around to love me
love me

Oh, heaven on earth
no need in waiting
waiting until I die
Heaven on earth
that's what you've made
a heaven for you and I

ya know, now that we think about it, we totally LOVE that Belinda Carlisle song. God damn that's great pop! Ok, we fold, as long as you guys play Belinda's jam at the start of EVERY show, we dig the new name.

Mac Daddy Kofi

2006-04-22T13:42:00.000-07:00

Macalester alum Kofi Annan returned to St. Paul today. Here are five things overheard by Kofi around the Mac campus:

1. “What the fuck?!?! I want a damn bottle of Coke!”
2. “And I was worried you kids had smoked all the pot two days ago…I almost forgot, this Macale-fucking-ster! Glad to see the motto is still study hard, party harder.”
3. “Wow. WMCN sucks balls. Noise rock is for losers and human rights violators.”
4. “Is it possible that St. Paul has gotten suckier?”
5. “Look, I’m the UN Secretary General, gimme a mother fucking Coca-Cola.”

MN Slang Update

2006-04-19T21:18:00.000-07:00

The Vikings' "boat party" is from now on to be known as "floating orgy." Use appropriately. Use often.

Q: Can CJ suck her own balls A: YES!

2006-04-19T20:48:00.000-07:00

Some pretty classic CJisms in the latest Dish as CJ reached into her mail bag:
She did include some angry emails – one dude wrote, “You’re such a classless putz” (haha, putz!) – but of course the fearless CJ cannot be phased, bitch stays chill as hell. Always getting the last laugh, CJ said to her detractors: “The bottom line: I wrote it. You read it. You took the time to complain. My work is done.” OHHH, hella snap! CJ sure told your dumb, givin’-the-bitch-more-internet-hits, ass. Listen bitches, don’t mess with the MN gossip QUEEN. She’ll fuck you up.

The saddest part of the column though was when CJ tried to make herself feel better. Proving not EVERYONE hates her, CJ got some schmuck named Reginald Reed, who is “an Atlanta computer network guy,” to give her props. Reed had this to say: “The wit, humor and style of writing impressed me very much.”
Hmmmm. Here are some questions we have:
1. CJ, who is this guy from Atlanta, why does he care about someone who writes about MINNESOTA gossip, where did you find him and how much money/sexual favors did you give to him?
2. Can you really not find anyone in the Twin Cities who will defend your honor?
3. What’s your favorite color?
4. Seriously, not even anyone from Wisconsin can say some good things? Fucking Atlanta?!?! WHAT IS HAPPENING? THIS MAKES NO SENSE!

old people not only smell funny, they look funny

2006-04-06T13:48:00.000-07:00

Ah there's nothing sweeter than the sounds of capitalizing on failure.

The ones who love us best are the ones we'll lay to rest
And visit their graves on holidays at best
The ones who love us least are the ones we'll die to please
If it's any consolation, I don't begin to understand them

MN quote of the day

2006-04-05T12:47:00.000-07:00

"It's one thing to say you're not a proper role model because you're a vampire or a witch, and another thing to say it's really based upon a religious belief." - Stephen Befort, University of Minnesota Law School professor - from WCCO.com

Who wouldn't want their kids to be driven to school by a VAMPIRE?!?!
Poor Julie Carpenter, the former "companion" of the now jailed vampire governor is always being hated on. Can't a witch get a break? Jesus Christ! She has filed a complaint against the Princeton School District claiming she was fired from her job as a bus driver because of her pagan beliefs...and uh, for sucking blood and casting unruly children into frogs.
Come on Minnesota, first we discriminate against the gays now the pagans? Don't hate out of fear. Moouuhahahaha, mouuuhahahah.

We will never watch KARE 11 again!

2006-04-05T12:26:00.000-07:00

MN Trash Whore hates KARE 11 news - fuck you Diana! - but we will admit to occasionally tuning in on the weekends just to get a good look at super-hottie Amy Hockert. Fo real, this girl is the hottest thing on local broadcast since Robyne circa-96 with the short-n-sexy look.
Just as we were rejoicing the news that gay marriage didn't get banned in the MN and started dreaming of our wedding with A-Hock, we find out from CJ our soul mate has been snatched and is engaged. Boooo!
Even worse, A-Hock hints at a possible move since hubby-to-be lives elsewhere. Boooo again!
Guess we'll have to go back to jacking off to Amelia. Booooo!

Brokeback Minnesota

2006-04-05T12:12:00.000-07:00

The Senate committee just rejected a proposal to constitutionally ban same-sex marriage...so J-Heart, will come back home now? We know the Scar-Jo thing is all a front.

Viva the gays!

PHC countdown, part I

2006-03-31T20:25:00.000-08:00

The PiPress reports that there will be a private screening of "A Prairie Home Companion" on May 3 at the Fitzgerald Theater...yeah not that a big a deal right? BUT WAIT! The rest of the cast is expected to attend, which means - breathe into the paper bag CJ - that LiLo will return! Yeah!
We missed ya girl, Minneaps has not been the same since your drunken, underage self left. Think of all the fun we can have together LiLo...we'll eat at everyone's favorite racist restaurant Chino Latino, go dancing at BARF, oops, Bar Fly and exchange fictional stories of idyllic small-town life with Garrison until the sun comes up. sigh. We can't wait!

what stinks?

2006-03-30T13:30:00.000-08:00

What does MN Trash Whore think about the Replacements getting back together and recording 2 new songs?
zzzzz, wha, oh sorry we fell asleep because we were SO BORED. Wake us up when Semisonic reunite...oh wait, don't.

We just hope the new Mats songs sound like the new GNR album...now that would be hott.

Here are the MN artists we'd REALLY like to see a reunion from...
MC Skat Kat (with Paula Abdul of course)
Andrew Sisters
Information Society
94 East
The Cows
Fighting Tongs

College idealism can be soooo adorable!

2006-03-27T14:11:00.000-08:00

Awe, look at the Macalester hippies, so cute. The Mac kids are stickin’ it to the man – 60s style – by boycotting Coke on campus. So groovy.
Just remember 1,800 kids CAN make a difference. Go activism!
Hey, next, let’s protest Paris Hilton wearing fur. And then how ‘bout like ummm the war in Iraq? Yeah that’s a good one. Oh Oh, how about starving babies – hungry children are like sooo sad.
See y’all at the next PETA meeting, woo woo!

C.J. - asking the questions that matter

2006-03-27T12:22:00.000-08:00

“What’s a lap dance?” C.J. asks in her latest “Dish” column.
Although C.J. admits to going to strip clubs (purely for research of course) she still had to ask Diablo Cody. MN Trash Whore thinks C.J. totally knows what a lap dance is (and perhaps has given a couple in her life?), she just didn’t want to look super slutty. Come on C.J., let your inner whore shine – ‘cuz anyone who reads “Dish” on a regular basis is totally a whore anyways.
So C.J., we just have to ask girlfriend, what kind of strip clubs do you prefer? Tits and booze kinda places or are you a pussy lover? For us it’s a tough call, we wanna see totally nude ladies, but we’re such alcoholics...we can live without the cooch but not the hooch.
Next time you go to Skyway, give us a call!

The pig to be named latter

2006-03-27T12:07:00.000-08:00

The St. Paul Saint’s are letting the common man name their pig mascot. The deadline is April 14th, so start thinking of the trashiest, sleaziest and dirtiest names that will bring tears to eyes of children. Check. It. Out.
If MN Trash Whore ruled the world (which will happen in 2015, btw) here are the top 5 names we would give to the lil’ piglet.
1. Culpepper
2. Katherine Kersten
3. Spamy
4. Factscrotum
5. LiLo the Prairie Ho

Pawlenty will go kick terrorist ass, sucka

2006-03-24T18:58:00.000-08:00

Gov-gov Tim Pawlenty is in Iraq. So for you, our brave soldier, here's a song by our girls D-Child.

Hey (I want a Soldier!)
The way you got it, I'm the hottest around
They'll know it when they see you rollin' impala's around
(I got a Soldier!)
Wit the top down feeling the sounds
Quakin' and vibratin' your thighs ridin' harder than guys
Wit the chrome wheels at the bottom, white leather inside
When them flames be spittin' at you tell 'em don't even try it
To shot it wit Chelle and kick it wit Kelly or holla at B
Ya, gotta be g's you way outta your league
Please!

We like dem boys that be in them lac's leanin' (Leanin')
Open their mouth their grill gleamin' (Gleamin')
Candy paint, keep that whip clean and (Clean and)
(They always be talkin that country slang, we like)
They keep that beat that be in the back beatin' (Beatin')
Eyes be so low from that chief (chief and)
I love how he keep my body screamin' (Screamin')
A rude boy that's good to me, wit street credibility

If your status ain't hood
I ain't checkin' for him
Betta be street if he lookin' at me
I need a soldier
That ain't scared to stand up for me
Known to carry big things
If you know what I mean
If your status ain't hood
I ain't checkin' for him
Betta be street if he looking at me
I need a soldier
That ain't scared to stand up for me
Gotta know to get dough
And he betta be street

I know some soldiers in here (Where they at, where they at)
They wanna take care of me (Where they at)
I know some soldiers in here (Where they at, where they at)
Wouldn't mind takin one for me (Where they at)
I know some soldiers in here (Where they at, where they at)
They wanna spend that on me (Where they at)
I know some soldiers in here (Where they at, where they at)
Wouldn't mind puttin that on me (Where they at)

JHeart is 4 tha gays!

2006-03-24T18:35:00.000-08:00

Just when MN Trash Whore thought there were no more pretty Minnesotans after the departure of hott T-Wolf Wally, Josh Heartnett has returned in all his metro-sexual glory. The former Central high schooler, cum movie star and Scarlett Johansson banger, is on the cover of Brokeback-magazine, V Man...and JHeart is shown putting on a lovely Fire-truck shade of red lipstick. So Hott. Smooches to you JHeart.

Q: how much rock can the Current handle? A: not much

2006-03-24T17:40:00.000-08:00

An ultra hip rock fest like SXSW is supposed to have a bunch of white belt, big sunglasses, tight jeans wearin' hipsters hyped up on pills and booze, right?
Well, MPR's the Current snapped their fingers in the face of the rambunctious fun-havers and said, HELL NO!
Diamond Nights, a group that played live on a Current broadcast druing SXSW got a slap on the wrist from the station's assistant music director. In a letter, the Current whined about the Diamond Nights' drunken appearence, which included - gasp! - swearing. OH THE HUMANITY!!!

Now now, we know all you Current-defenders (a.k.a., yuppies) will say, "But MN Trash Whore, swearing on the radio is a serious matter. The Current could have gotten in serious trouble with the FCC. That band should have conducted themselves in a professional matter, considering that SXSW is really just for the industry folks, not the artists."

Look, if MPR got slapped with a FCC fine, Garrison would totally front the bill - so no worries there. And come on, SXSW is just an excuse for hipsters to hump other hipsters from different cities. Cuz damn, hipster social circles can seem so small sometimes (we've already slept with half of ours). If the Current took SXSW seriously, then it was their own fault (just like Carlos Boozer!) and next time Mary Lucizzile should just drink the wine with band and chill the fuck out, man.

Here's the letter that was posted on Vice Magazine:
"Although, they sounded fantastic and were generally great guys...Diamond Nights caused major havoc at our broadcast last night in Austin. Bringing an entourage of about 10 drunken, drugged out people who had to have hotel security called upon them for riding around on hotel luggage carts drinking boxed wine in our broadcast space. Not only were their groupies drunk...so was the band. It was blatantly obvious on the air as they boasted about drinking from a colostomy bag on the stage as they performed.

"Now, I know this is rock n' roll but give me a flippin' break. Maybe you should consider assigning them a babysitter next time. We had to dump completely out of the broadcast during the second part of the interview because one of the members of their group in the audience screamed and dropped an f-bomb during the live broadcast. Previous to that they swore during the first part of their performance. Our engineer thankfully dumped out during that and was able to continue. But, the second time we just had to cut out completely. It's a real shame because their performance was fantastic and one that we all looked forward to.

"We'll be editing the audio we do have from the performance and posting it on our website. But, please reconsider letting these fellas fend for themselves with their media related appearances. They obviously need someone to watch over them. Thanks again for helping to set this up but it was quite a disappointing disaster."

Oh snap!

An open letter to Carlos Boozer

2006-03-21T20:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Carlos,
We can understand that when Prince crooned “I Wanna Be Your Lover,” stroked your chin and asked, “Can I shack up wit u Carlos?” you couldn’t really say no. Admit it Carlos, you’re a Prince fan and you wanted to brag to K-Gizzle that Prince was staying in YOUR house.
But dear, sweet, innocent Carlos, you based your decision on your love for Prince and the feelings in your heart instead of thinking rationally as a property owner. You must have heard that Prince has quite the reputation for being somewhat of - how should we put this - a rock star…no better…a DIVA! He’s a crazy motherfucka, we mean, M.F. And everyone has heard of his purple house up in Chanhassen.
So come on, you must have had an inkling The Purple One would fuck with your house, or at least turn everything purple. And surprise! That’s what happened! Right now Carlos, you look like one of those sad s.o.b.s on “Cheaters,” sobbing uncontrollably, swearing and hitting the jackass that broker your heart – all a while Prince coolly smirks. You made the mistake Carlos. This obviously was going to happen. You can’t rightfully sue over the inevitable; so just drop the lawsuit.
Love always,
MN Trash Whore

Boob-tube

2006-03-20T11:44:00.000-08:00

Diablo Cody, City Page’s TV writer, Pussy Ranch blogger, and anthropologist of TC strip clubs will be on David Letterman, TONIGHT!
These are the 5 things MN Trash Whore highly encourages Diablo to do on the show…please Diablo, you’ll be our BFF…

1. Pull a Drew Barrymore
2. Every time David asks a question about stripping, lecture him on how women are not sex objects. Then call him a dick and jump out the fake window.
3. Make out with Paul Shaffer
4. Name drop Carlos, the gopher Don Shelby had in his pants on a Minnesota themed Letterman years back.
5. Act like you’re on “Drinking with Ian” again.

maybe THIS will put mpls on the map....or not

2006-03-16T14:14:00.000-08:00

Auditions for the next "Rock Star" reality TV show are TONIGHT (Thurs) at the Cabooze. Hott.

So what does it take to be the next Jordis? MN Trash Whore has the scoop on what they're looking for: you've got to have a good voice, bitchin' dreads and horny enough to sleep with three of your fellow competitors. It's hard work being as slutty as Jordis, but MN Trash Whore has faith in you.
Get on wit your whorelicious self!

Too bad Tapes N Tapes singer Josh is in SXSW...this couldda been his big break. sigh.

BTW, what's up with the local music retards, oops, critics, blogging about LOCAL bands in South By Southwest...did they REALLY have to go all the way to Austin to give us Tapes N Tapes reports. Maybe MN Trash Whore was mistaken, but we though the point of SXSW was to find NEW bands from like Mississippi or England or some shit; but NOT band who live NEXT DOOR. WTF?!?! Papers are dead, viva la blog...ummmmmm
Anyways, OMG LOOK AT MIDWESTERNERS IN TEXAS!!!!
HERE
and
HERE

OMG! OMG! OMG! The guy who went to high school with our little sister is like totally famous now...EEEK!

dante culpepper = bad breaker-upper

2006-03-16T13:22:00.000-08:00

Dante's final farewell to Minnesota was sent by email...ouch Dante, don't you think we deserve a bit better! After all we've given you, the best damn years of our lives Dante, and you can't even look us in the eyes and tell us your leaving?!?! Well forget you, don't call us and we never want to see you again. p.s. we're preggers.

Here's the juiciest tidbit from the email:
"Even though I cannot discuss in any detail the well publicized alleged 'boat incident,' I do have a message to the communities of Minnesota and Miami. I accept the responsibility and welcome the accountability of being a high profile athlete."

Well, Dante even though you broke our hearts, you bastard, MN Trash Whore truly wishes you pleasant seas ahead. Cuz it's a total bitch when rough waves throw you off your rhythm, right?

connect the dots, la la la la

2006-03-08T12:53:00.000-08:00

Can you guess how these three fit together?

Yanni was arrested for a "domestic dispute" on Friday...Kirby beat his wife...

Minnesota Twin and Minnesota Zoo dolphin, both dead...

A Case of Cultural Amnesia

2006-03-06T12:22:00.000-08:00

Here's what people forget about you when you have a stroke:
1. You threatened to kill your wife
2. You're fat
3. You sexually assault Eden Prairie women
4. You're obese
5. You look like a misogynistic whale

Thanks Kirby, now MN Trash Whore has a plan when all you bitches start hatin' on us

who's the biggest bad ass?

2006-03-06T12:12:00.000-08:00

Anthony Carter vs K-Gizzle vs D-Cul - bring on the battle!

DWI, smacking someone in the head with a basket ball or partying on a sex boat...which is worst?

What an exciting time in Minnesota sports!

Euro trash? Or just another case of white trash?

2006-02-27T11:33:00.000-08:00

(unce unce unce unce…) What’s that sound? Is that god awful techno we hear? Or is it the sound of the metro area’s latest road endeavor…the ROUNDABOUT?!?!?! The vengabus is a comin’ friends and everyone from Forest Lake to Burnsville is jumpin’, or um, driving aimlessly in circles. As the Strib reports today, roundabouties are takin’ ova bitches, so get ready for some serious Euro shit. We like, we like to party!

take a chill pill, not a steroid

2006-02-26T19:49:00.000-08:00

woah. What is up with K-Gizzle? Our fav Timberwolf, was tossed out of the game against Memphis for throwing a ball into the crowd and hitting a fan. Ouch!

Yo K-Gizzle, why are you so angry?
1. He misses Wally, : (
2. Crunch was all up in his business (fuck off Crunch, everyone hates your dumb jock ass!)
3. The big ‘n tall store didn’t have his size trousers in stock. Again!
4. It’s cold
5. He left his wallet in the Skyway Lounge. Again!

Who got served?

2006-02-26T19:21:00.000-08:00

For those who missed the "Prince" concert on Saturday night, you can stop your crying. IT WAS NOT A PRINCE CONCERT. ha ha ha. MN Trash Whore loves Prince because he is a giant dick, and so of course, this super special concert that made everyone freak out was a fake. Prince played one song. ONE. And it was from the BATMAN SOUNDTRACK. Wow...he's a bigger dick than we ever could have imagined...seriously, one song, and it's fucking "Partyman"?!?!
Oh sure, the ones who got totally played will tell you, "I got to see the really awesome and really sexy Tamar. She was soooo good. I'm really glad I paid all that money to see Apollonia II, oops I mean, Tamar. Yeah it was totally great to see Prince on stage and see him NOT PLAY ANY GOOD SONGS!!!! AHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! I WAS SO PLAYED!!!! I SHOULD JUST KILL MYSELF!!!!"

Aren't you glad you went to the Turf instead?

Hey Norm, what cha keeping on the DL?

2006-02-21T19:53:00.000-08:00

Norm Coleman's "people" were caught "editing" Norm's Wikipedia profile. What did they delete?

1. Since Norm's wife can't even fake an orgasm, Norm seriously doubts she'll make it as a Hollywood actress
2. Norm steals his son's pot
3. Norm refuses to throw away his old tie-dye t-shirts
4. When Norm jacks off he screams, "I'm stickin' it to the man!"
5. When Norm jacks off, it's to a picture of Jane Fonda

WTF?

2006-02-15T14:31:00.000-08:00

Pink Is The New Blog just posted pics of Bjork's son Sindri from his high school year book and claims he went to a Minneapolis high school? Is this fo real? We want to believe this (cuz that would be SWEET!) but no one on the MN Trash Whore "staff" has heard this rumor. So if you can confirm this, show us some love! We really want to know what school he went to. One of you bitches must have gone to the same school - time to confess! mntrashwhore@hotmail.com
Tell us, tell us, tell us!!!! BJORK!!!!!

Macy's gets titilicious

2006-02-15T13:32:00.000-08:00

MN Trash Whore wasn't thrilled about Macy's moving into town (see our December post) but recently Macy's has warmed up to us, mainly because they acted slutty.
Channel 5 reported that Macy's printed the wrong phone number in their recent letter to customers. The wrong number sends callers to a SEX phone line where they're greeted with “Hey, there, sexy guy”. Hott! (We wonder if this was really a mistake!)
This makes Macy's waaaay more whorelicious than Marshall Field's ever was. So alright Macy's, MN Trash Whore now loves you very much and offers you many hours of oral sex. Viva la Macy's!!!!!

Perk at Play plays nasty

2006-02-14T20:52:00.000-08:00

From the blog of KARE 11's sports dude Eric Perkins, blogging from Torino:
"I’ve always been intrigued with linguistics, and find myself trying to adapt quickly to other languages or dialects. When I’m in New York City, I immediately try to speak like somebody from Brooklyn would. The same goes for Italy. So I’ve been crash coursing this language and accent.
By doing so, I often find myself repeating words the same way Italians speak them to me. This is where the problem lies. For example, I learned that pigeons which fly around the town squares are called Piccones. Pronounced, Pitch-oh-nays. I began saying that word a lot, until a cab driver pointed out that the word also means something quite derogatory. I quickly stopped saying it.
I was in the store today, and there was a lemon flavored drink pronounced Lee-moe-nay. I started saying it incessantly. Finally, the fellow I was with, a native of Torino, explained to me that Limone also is slang for French Kiss!"

Dirty boy Eric! but maybe this will teach you NOT to act like a douche bag in other countries. Plus it does not impress le ragazze...wink wink.
But for you Perky, MN Trash Whore has compiled a list of dirty Italian slang so you can get on wit cha bad self in Whore-ino:
cacasenno - a smart ass
cacchio - penis
mignotta - whore
raspare - to masturbate

does Minnesota hate Star Jones?

2006-02-14T19:57:00.000-08:00

Star Jones' book signing at the MOA was all up in CJ's latest column. But wha? Could CJ's reporting be true (it must always be questioned) that ONLY 50 people came?!?!
Here are CJ's words:
"Some of the about 50 fans who came to get books signed left with very private info. In return for sharing very personal stories or good ideas, they got her e-mail address."

50 is not a lot of people for someone famous - just think about how many teenage girls it took to start a riot in Brookdale.
So what gives? Maybe those 107FM bitches, oops, "drive-time divas,” Lori and Julia talked so much shit about Star all the suburban house wives stayed at home. Cuz MN Trash Whore KNOWS there's plenty of "The View"-watching ladies up in the West Metro....what's up bitches?!?!?!

But seriously, if you were one of the "lucky" 50 to get PERSONAL time with Star-Jo, holla at us! mntrashwhore@hotmail.com

cover your ears!!!!

2006-02-13T14:50:00.000-08:00

City Pages' arts editor Dylan Hicks is leaving. The announcement on CP's Culture to Go blog didn't go into much detail, merely stating "(Hicks) is moving on to pursue other endeavors." Oh no, oh no....MN Trash Whore really hopes this does not mean Hicks will be returning to music...eeek! (We can't handle hearing "City Lights" ever again!!!) Hicks returning to music will be the worst thing to happen to Minnesota music since the Blizzard stormed MTV's Made. Ish.

Where's Francisco?

2006-02-13T11:39:00.000-08:00

The 22-year-old Francisco Javier Serrano who a year ago was found squatting in Apple Valley High School has gone missing. Javier was supposed to go back to Mexico but The Javizzile was a no-show for his flight.

Yo, Javizzile, where u @????

1. Blake High School - I'm going private bitches!!! Fuck public school. I can get major ass from the step-mamas at the PTA meetings and Blake kids can afford the good coke.
2. Norm Coleman's house - No-Co is in DC and ya know his wife's not around...
3. The Quest Ascot Room - I like to sleep in the Fountain of Dreams
4. Leggo Land in the MOA - I built myself a house
5. Udupi - They gave me a job!

MN + moustache = good times

2006-02-11T14:04:00.000-08:00

Geraldo Rivera was at the Mall of America on Friday…What did he find out about Minnesota?

1. We loves us some meth!
2. Our houses are very clean…in fact, spotless, we’re cleaning fanatics, wooo! wooo!
3. If you start beating mayor R.T. Ryback in cross-country skiing, he will throw ice balls at your face…and they hurt a lot. One scratched Geraldo’s cornea, ouch!
4. CJ loves boating
5. Do not ride the rollercoaster AFTER the food court

As long as Gretchen Wilson thinks we’re cool…

2006-02-11T13:54:00.000-08:00

Coon Rapids chooses to remain racist! The city had a chance to change their name, but decided that was such a liberal thing to do – like drinking lattes, watching the West Wing or reading. Besides, Coon isn’t purposely racist, these innocent yanks were just shortening “raccoon”…right?

MN is not for lovers, it's for whores!

2006-02-03T21:15:00.000-08:00

Two recent features caught our attention:

The Rake strips down at a weekend nudist colony
City Pages parties like rock stars in the back of limos

A couple thoughts though: While nudist colonies seem like a good idea in theory, unfortunately they are full of fugly old people and NO orgies. Sheesh. We also wanted more action in the limo than just a bunch of suburban brides-to-be having one too many flirtinis and exposing some tits. But all in good time Twin Cities, all in good time.
This may not be the city of sin yet, but we're riding there on a Party Bus...beep beep.

despite all my rage I'm still just a bat in a cage

2006-01-31T20:10:00.000-08:00

Oh my...this is too good! The vampire governor Jonathon Sharkey has been arrested! And get this, the charges were for "escape" and "stalking." The cops aren't saying anything beyond that, so it leaves plenty to the imagination as to who the vampire was stalking. Was it his next victim?!?!?!
MN Trash Whore in all seriousness is quite sadden by this news, we're worried this will discourage voters - it's one thing if you're a vampire, but quite another if you are a jailbird, or um, jailbat.

poor Kenny

2006-01-30T21:30:00.000-08:00

CJ reports that former KARE 11 meteorologist Ken Barlow is not making friends in his new home Boston. Why don't they like him? 1. He's smug 2. He ends each forecast by saying "this is NOTHING compared to what I just came from!" 3. Has an accent, like in that one movie, ya know, "Fargo?" 4. Always complains that the bars don't carry Summit beer 5. When drunk, always brags about gettin to second base with some Diana chick

By the way, CJ has been boring the hell outta us lately! This past week while "reporting" on "A Million Little Pieces" she ended the column with a list of books she likes instead. WTF?!?!
So we need better gossip people!!! We're dying!!!
If you have tips/dishes, whatever, you can make it up (that's what we do!), please entertain us!
we are BORED!

what's making TC ladies and gays cry?

2006-01-30T21:00:00.000-08:00

Just look at those perfectly chiseled cheek bones…we’re drooling! Why can’t the T-Wolves understand, we don’t go to basketball games just to watch dudes but balls in baskets, we go to see cute dudes who we would want to put their balls in our basket, er, um, something like that…

Minnesota will miss you dearly Wally – you sucked at basketball but you were a beautiful man.

What is Frank up to?

2006-01-25T15:39:00.000-08:00

Now that Frank Vascellaro has left KARE-11, how does he spend his days?
8 am – wake up, spend 20 min. looking in the mirror repeating “stay at home dads are people too”
9 am – drop the kids off at school
10 am – read paper at Starbucks, hope someone will ask for autograph
11 am – pick up Amelia’s dry-cleaning
12 pm – DAYS OF OUR LIVES!!!!
1 pm – clean the bathroom and flush away career
2 pm – last chance to play with kid’s Sponge Bob action figure before they come home
3 pm – kids come home, make them snacks
6 pm – watch Amelia on channel 4, cry
7 pm – make dinner, sit silently while Amelia tells me the chicken was overcooked and mashed potatoes were too watery
10 pm – watch Amelia on TV again, cry

when the heat is on...

2006-01-25T15:07:00.000-08:00

Minnesota Citizens Concerned for Life has launched a commercial featuring a female firefighter deciding whether to have an abortion. The add started running yesterday, watch for it – pretty shameless…
MN Trash Whore got its hands on the top secret deleted scenes from the commercial, and here they are for you, our dear reader:

How come old people are so dumb?

2006-01-24T20:13:00.000-08:00

MN Trash Whore hates old people. So it was quite the bird flu in our fried chicken when we saw Mpls St. Paul Magazine's "hipster survey".
While many of you hate hipsters, MN Trash Whore does not. Hipsters are awesome because they are so fake, petty and meaningless – kinda like this blog! Hipsters are haters at heart (alliteration alert!) and hating is the future bitches, get with it. BUT!!!!! MplsStP Mag did not interview TRUE hipsters. They are FAKERS! Uh-huh, yup, yup – the so-called “hipsters” are all over 35 and still think Chino Latino is “hip.”
True hipsters 1. do not make over $75,000 a year 2. are not over 35-years 3. do not drink coffee at Starfucks 4. do not have real jobs, or “professions” 5. do not take surveys

Okay, get it? These people are like the adults who just HAVE to jump in the ball-pit at Chucky Cheese – stop ruining it for the kids! Or they’re like Current DJs - I’m still a college radio DJ even though I’m 40, bald and fat!!!!

Old people are gross.

We know what LiLo likes...

2006-01-21T17:47:00.000-08:00

Garrison is so IN right now.

Jared Leto has been looking very Garrison lately and as soon as he adopted the new gothic/gargoyle look, he snagged the heart of Lindsay Lohan.
It seems Li Lo was so enamored with Garrison this summer while filming Prairie Home Companion, she’s now dating his twin! Hey, Li Lo, ain’t nothing like the real thang sweetheart. If you’re in love with Garrison, go for it. You need a father figure right now right? Ho companions 4 life.

Jordis on Rock Star INSEX

2006-01-21T16:36:00.000-08:00

The new Industry Minne-zine (we don't know what a Minne-zine is ) has an interview with Jordis and PiPress also had an interview with her at the beginning of January. But why is no one asking Jordis the obvious question: Jordis, who did you knock boots with?
That's what we all want to know, right?
Well, fear not dear readers because MN Trash Whore has heard that Jordis slept with 3, yup yup, 3! male contestants - disproving the theory she was a lesbian but confirming the slut prediction. For sure though, Jordis slept with Marty, the dude from Chi-town. Yeah Whorerdis, you go girl. You're our hero, we wouldda banged Marty too.

3 things on their way OUT

2006-01-21T15:58:00.000-08:00

The Peanuts gang is leaving the Mall, Dr. Laura is not "chick friendly" radio for FM 107 and St. Paul is copying Minneapolis and going the no smoking route.

MN Trash Whore doesn’t care so much about the last two (though we chain smoke like a motha fucka it sucks to smell like ash tray ass), but we are ecstatic those lame-ass comic kids are leaving. Good riddance we say! Seriously folks, Peanuts is not funny. It is boring and repetitive – we even prefer the Family fucking Circus over Penis, oops, P-nutz, at least the Circus can be ridiculed. Peanuts is too boring to be bad.
So goodbye Charlie, Snoopy, the dirty homeless dude and the two lesbians, y’all can join Charles Schulz for all we care. Whatever MOA gets to replace Camp Snoopy will fo sure be better. YOU SUCK!

Bloody Marys rock!

2006-01-19T16:13:00.000-08:00

Who will be our next gov?

Move the fuck outta the way Cali...
You all thought you were so fabulous last governor election with Gary Coleman, a porn star and Larry Flynt running. Well suckas, Minnesota, the original kooky governor state, has you beat once again. We've got a fucking vampire running! That's right, Jonathon Sharkey is a fo real blood-sucking, immortal, bat-turning, stay-outta-the-sun VAMPIRE.
On top of that, we also have a chain-smoking drunk running. Sue Jeffers is owner of that trashy college bar Stub & Herbs (definitely THE place to get date-raped around the UofM!) and she is president of Minnesotans Against Smoking Bans.
MN Trash Whore would be pleased with either candidate - most politians are blood sucking alcoholics anyways, Jonathon and Sue are just up front about it.

Separated at birth, part IV

2006-01-10T15:48:00.000-08:00

BROTHERS?

Brother Ali and squirrel, are they related?

Separated at birth, part III

2006-01-10T15:30:00.000-08:00

BROTHERS?

PiPress music critic Ross Raihala and Goldy Gopher, are they related?

Separated at birth, part II

2006-01-10T14:19:00.000-08:00

SISTERS?

Pussy Ranch blogger Diablo Cody and UPN 29 reporter Lara Yamada, are they related?

Separated at birth, part I

2006-01-10T13:42:00.000-08:00

BROTHERS?

First Ave's Conrad and Redefinition Radio's Kevin Beacham, are they related?

Busty or Busted?

2006-01-10T11:26:00.000-08:00

Channel 5 News reported that Minnesota’s Finest, a calendar that features “the very best of Minnesota models,” lied about profits going to charity. On top of that, the calendar raked in the debt and like the Quest Nightclub, can’t pay all its bills.

What?!?! Skanky, slutty whores are lairs and cheaters?!?! MN Trash Whore is shocked. SHOCKED.
Hey girls, maybe Tawnja has some work for y’all down at Minnesota Experience.

What's up (wink wink) with Shelby?

2006-01-08T16:46:00.000-08:00

What is going on in this picture?

It reminds us of the good ol' days when the WCCO newscaster was Don "I've got a gopher in my pants" Shelby.
Hott Don!!

This just in: Avalanches hate Minnesotans!

2006-01-08T16:09:00.000-08:00

If you are a Minnesotan, watch your back. Avalanches hate us! Two Minnesotans (who were not together mind you) died in avalanches in Montana this week. Considering that the average number of deaths per year from avalanches in Gallatin Nation Forest is three, this is a fucked up statistic. Avalanches are out to get us…run!

Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)

2006-01-07T13:45:00.000-08:00

As our girls D’s Child would say, the Quest nightclub has bills, bills, bills! Until the downtown club can shell out the cash, they’ll remained closed.
So in honor of Prince’s former nightclub, MN Trash Whore brings you the top 5 things we miss about the Quest

1. Shootings
2. The foliage in the Ascot Room and the fountain of dreams
3. Shitty pop punk bands (where will Warped tour rejects play now?!?!)
4. The décor – like Liberace threw up in a space ship
5. Making out in the VIP booths – hott!!

Tice says "It's all good"

2006-01-02T15:22:00.000-08:00

Mike Tice is not worried about getting fired from the Vikings, he's going to work for FEMA!

Hot or not?

2005-12-30T18:18:00.000-08:00

What do YOU think about KARE 11's newest anchor Mike Pomeranz?

Is he hot enough for Diana?

Personally, we don't like this East Coast tool...
YOU WILL NEVER BE PAUL MAGERS!!!
YOU WILL AMOUNT TO NOTHING!!!
STAY AWAY FROM BELINDA JENSEN!!!

I can't do any better than you, you cold wrinkly bitch

2005-12-30T17:32:00.000-08:00

So, the word is Garrison “I ain’t cha prairie-ho” Keillor is not leaving us! Prairie Home Companion will stay at the Fitzgerald but only because we have agreed to an open relationship. Garrison will able to see other cities as long as he agrees to keep the child support rolling in. Minnesota is such a slutty state. Watch out California!

Sometimes you have to let the ones you love go in order to keep ‘em close. Awwww – we’re such saps for love.

MN Trash Whore artist of the year

2005-12-28T16:12:00.000-08:00

If there’s one hobby MN Trash Whore enjoys most, it’s jumping on bandwagons. Seriously, we only love things that everyone else has already deemed cool. Anyways, we’re jumping on the “let’s celebrate shitty celebrities, pop culture icons and ‘true’ artists” and decide who really “mattered” this year.
Congrats go out to Tawnja Zahradka…she is MN Trash Whore’s artist of the year!!!

Not only does Tawnja have a completely ridiculous spelling of an already totally shitty name, but she hosts the most painfully awful show on the WB, Minnesota Experience, see it Sunday nights at 11:30.

But why does Tawnja truly deserve this award? We know you’re thinking “Hey, there are plenty of other jack-asses hosting local TV shows.” It was a close call with The Show to be Named Later (icky facial hair, plus sports are dumb unless they involve sex on boats), Nate On Drums (sketch comedy is for losers) and of course those slutty high-schoolers on Whatever.
Tawnja gets award because she proved herself to be the biggest whore in the state. Yes folks, Tawnja is an even bigger whore than we are! Check it:
The former Mrs. Minnesota (not to be confused with the unmarried Ms. Minnesota, yup Tawnja is a fo real suburban gold-digger!) not only hosts a show that’s basically infomercials for lame-ass suburban restaurants, but the now Ms. Zahradka basically has a financial interest in the businesses featured on the show.
You may also know Tawnja from her work as a “spokeswoman” for Continental Diamond, Valley Pools and Spas and New Day Weight Loss.
What a WHORE!!!! That is sooo fucked up, seriously Tawnja, you are sucking way too many dicks around this town. Chill out girl.

Another reason we love Tawnja: in her Mpls St. Paul Magazine profile, she said her role models were Diana Pierce and Kristie Alley!!!!! All we have to say is “wow.”

If you love Tawnja as much as we do…remember, she is available for bookings such as “speaker, spokesperson, judge and event host.” (Guess Valley Pools and Spas aren’t keeping her busy enough) MN Trash Whore hopes maybe she can host the Minnesota Music Awards next year, wouldn’t that just be the best?

But really, thank you Tawnja for giving MN Trash Whore some competition…in 2006 we’re gonna have to be up on everyone’s nuts to be as slutty as you!

5 things mn trash whore LOVES about Christmas

2005-12-27T14:12:00.000-08:00

these are the reasons we've neglected our dear blog lately...

1. Shameless capitalism
2. Pepermint Schnapps
3. Drunk relatives
4. Baileys
5. Eggnog with Brandy

So long St. Cloud

2005-12-18T15:16:00.000-08:00

5 things top model Nicole Linkletter will NOT miss about attending St. Cloud State University

1. Shagging in ice houses
2. The Dave Matthews Tribute Band at the Red Carpet
3. Driving an hour and a half (in good traffic) to get to MOA
4. The Electric Fetus in St. Cloud is shitty
5. SCSU is for suckas

MN Trash Whore Exclusive!

2005-12-18T14:17:00.000-08:00

We saw what shit went down at the Current’s “Rock the Cradle”
It was not pretty...

Sorry Ma, looks like no one's taken out the trash

2005-12-18T13:48:00.000-08:00

First Avenue turned old this week (35 years!). And they celebrated with a bunch of other old people. Old people smell funny.

Party City

2005-12-12T15:40:00.000-08:00

Duluth Mayor Herb Bergson is proving Duluth knows how to party. Wooo! The Mayor was caught driving with twice the legal blood alcohol level. And Ryback thought he was so core stage diving at First Ave...Hey RT, you've got some competition now. Time to step it up yo, we can't let the Iron Range out party us!

Bush drops in for a quickie

2005-12-09T11:17:00.000-08:00

Q: Why is Mark Kennedy giggling like a 13-year-old girl reading Tiger Beat?
A: The president is in town!

Who has the worst hair?

2005-12-09T09:51:00.000-08:00

Some things George shouldn't be curious about

2005-12-09T09:16:00.000-08:00

Why is the Current “rocking the cradle?” Are they really Paula straight-up Abdul admitting they like little children? Rock the cradle? Is MN Trash Whore out of it, cuz we thought rockin’ the cradle was slang for “sex with youngins.”
We don’t know exactly what will go on at this rocking of the cradle, but according to the flyer we saw, there will be “hands-on activities.” Ewwwwwww.
Stay away from local little girls Mark Wheat!!!!!

What would Billy have to say about this?

We're famous

2005-12-09T09:07:00.000-08:00

MN Trash Whore was City Pages’ blog of the day, ummm…yesterday. We were too hung over to notice until now, but thanks Shitty Pages!....just kidding next time we see you bitches we’ll totally share our large supply of X wit u. Awe baby!
Seriously though, we’re sooo done with X. What’s our next drug of choice? Opium.

Anyways…to make up for snoozin’ and boozin’ the day away yesterday, we’ve got mad posts today. Check. It. Out.

Stay out of Minnesota! We'll Cut You...

2005-12-07T08:26:00.000-08:00

You've probably heard the horrible news: Marshall Field's is going to turn into Macy's. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know Dayton's was the original and the best, but Field's was still Midwest - and that's what it's all about.
But this Macy's shit is fucked up. Peep what happened at this year's Thanksgiving parade: Associated Press -
"A giant [M&M] balloon at the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade snagged a street light near Times Square and caused part of it to fall into the crowd, injuring two people, according to police and eyewitness accounts.

The accident happened near the end of the parade when the balloon's tethers became entangled on the head of the street lamp, about 2 1/2 feet in diameter, and knocked it off.

The 26-year-old woman and 11-year-old girl were apparently hurt by the debris. They were in stable condition at the Bellevue Hospital emergency room, said hospital administrator Peter Schectman. The nature of their injuries was not immediately known.

"It happened so fast," said parade spectator Karim Simmons, of Queens. "I said, 'Oh, my God!' It dropped like a rock."

The circumstances were an echo of a 1997 accident, when two people were seriously injured when 45 mph winds forced a "Cat in the Hat" balloon into a metal pole on Central Park West."

Hey Macy's, maybe you can get away with that shit in New York, but Minneapolis will soooo not tolerate a giant M&M dropped on our ass. You better pull it together before you take over Field's or else we'll come after you. Welcome to Murderapolis suckas!

Nope, he's still a duce

2005-12-05T14:35:00.000-08:00

Just because Fox sports is now sucking on Mike Tice's nuts because the Vikings have won a couple of games, MN Trash Whore is not fooled!

What's making the Twin Cities go crazy?

2005-12-05T11:09:00.000-08:00

"You blew it, Minneapolis," Lil Flip after a fight broke out at the Quest

"Girl frenzy" said Christopher Taykalo of Radio Disney describing the scene at Brookdale mall after teenage girls stormed the stage when group B5 was performing.

Welcome home bitches!

2005-12-04T14:25:00.000-08:00

Motion City Soundtrack, the Twin Cities BIGGEST emo-punk pop stars, play First Ave Dec. 17th. When did muppet hair become attractive?
In their own words:
I am wrecked. I am overblown.
I am also fed up with the fucking common cold!
When I just want to feel alive for the first time in my life,
I just want to feel attractive today.

hey, MCS, try gettin' a hair cut!

Minnesota's #1 Partier

2005-12-02T10:05:00.000-08:00

Guess who

What the FUCK KARE 11?!?!

2005-12-02T09:38:00.000-08:00

Now Frank Vascellaro is leaving too!
Deborah Caulfield Rybak from the Star Tribune reports: Vascellaro's not getting the $$$$s
Here's the sallery break down: Paul Magers = $11 million (wha?), Amelia Santaniello = between $400,000-$500,000, Don Shelby = $800,000, Julie Nelson = $450,000, and Vascellaro = $200,000
HA!

Too Cool for Minneaps

2005-12-01T15:48:00.000-08:00

Ken Barlow follows Paul Magers lead and gets the hell outta this joint. KARE11’s meteorologist has only 19 days left before he goes to Boston. Damn you Diana! Stop driving away KARE’s best!

Any man who wears purple suits with orange ties is bound to leave for CA

2005-12-01T14:37:00.000-08:00

Five things Paul Magers LOVES about LA
1. Doesn’t have to work with that fugly slut Diana Pierce
2. Gets to work on his tan
3. Hangs out with Kevin Federline
4. Is now on a raw foods diet
5. Gets his hair done by the same stylist as Nicole Richie

Stop Picking Your Nose!

2005-12-01T14:31:00.000-08:00

What’s up with the Current’s Chris Roberts?!?! Why is he touching his face like that? Creepy. MN Trash Whore suspects he’s about to sniff coke.
Chris, dude stop hangin’ with Robyne Robinson.

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP TRANNY

2005-11-30T20:19:00.000-08:00

Maybe minnesota isn't hot enough to be the next top model, but it isn't too late for you Coryn. SLUT!

Paul & Gay The Blue Ox

2005-11-29T20:50:00.000-08:00

MN TRASH WHORE

2005-11-29T12:00:00.000-08:00

WELCOME TO MN TRASH WHORE